Take flight

I hate flying. Nothing that weighs that much should be in the air. 

BUT. My favorite flying time is after I've had a drink or three. And I'm sitting in the waiting area to board. My eyes are a bit dopey (there's a fine line between dopey and drunk), I have my earbuds in, and I'm contemplating a nap. 

I've gotten better. This last trip to San Diego, I wasn't worried about anything. The plane was taxiing and then we were picking up speed. 

I don't know what it was about the flight. But I was okay. Maybe because I didn't have a connection to rush to. Or it had been so long since I'd been in SD. Or I knew it was only an hour flight. 

Anyway. On my way back to Phx. Just paid $21 for a double vodka soda. And had a Dramamine. 

Self medication is rad. 

Dave

I don't know why I do it to myself. I must enjoy it. I do enjoy it. This sweet pain of remembering you, remembering us. 

Looking back through the fog of time, the bad times are blurry. And I can pull the good times into focus. 

Of course, these good times can't be exactly how they happened. 

Dave always reminds me of you. Especially this album from 2001. Because we had broken up. And then gotten back together. And then broken up. I burned you a copy. And then we broke up. And then we hooked up. 

Ugh. You were terrible. And wonderful. And the worst. And I hated you and couldn't stop loving you. 

And Dave reminds me of you every time. Still. A million years later. There's no one else it reminds me of. 

Just you. Us. Those kids we were. 

It's comforting. Familiar. It's your face and hands and arms and body against mine. 

Tangled tongues and lips. 

I see your face in my newsfeed. I read your comments and see your likes. 

And I wonder at our pictures. We would be in them together. Maybe we would be married. Maybe we would have a kid or three.  

I always wonder. 

Dream

I had a dream my parents faked their deaths! And I was so mad at them. They didn't say why they faked their deaths. They were just alive. And I yelled at them!

Boston

11/16/15 7pm ET

What am I doing here? I'm in the hotel restaurant. People milling about. Im reading a book and listening to drunken conversations while sitting in this trendy place with strange chandeliers made of lighted bars. 

What am i doing here?

Does anyone else wonder this? What they're doing here and how they got there?

And just like that, I want to go home

I talked to Aunt last night. Talked about looking for a job in ca. Lease coming up in January. I don't know what I would do in ca. What jobs to even look for. 

Updated my resume and LinkedIn. Couldn't sleep. 

I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do with my life!!

I told my sister. She said, "so just an existential crisis?" Which is cute. And true. 

Not looking forward to travel next week. 

I feel sick. 

This too shall pass, right?

It always does. 

Meet cute

It begins like all love stories begin. With a question. 

And then figure out what the first question was. 

One of them is about Weezer. For a screenplay. Nope. That one was recent. 11/5/15

But the first one isn't. And then it becomes about the screenplay. 

Wait. 

Witty banter witty banter. 

Morbid jokes. 

Inside jokes....I think it started with Narp. 

Then movies. 

Super troopers. But not meow. 

Simon Pegg. Director. Writer. That was one of the first. 

But really. It's the dude's voice. 

I can't believe I'm typing this. 

I imagine him and his face. Next to mine. Having a conversation about I don't know. Prop 3. 

But our tones are low. We're saying things, but almost whispering. Sitting at a bar. Rolling a glass of vodka, a glass of whiskey. Legs crossed, knee covered by a skirt. 

Those smirky eyes knowing they can't convince me of anything. Still trying. 

Knowing he can convince me of one thing, now. 

Currently

I'm currently wondering about staying for another year. 

I know when I left Seattle I wondered what would have happened if I'd stayed. I could have stayed with friends. I could have found a job. I could have lived in Seattle. 

I wonder if I'll regret leaving here too soon? Like, if I had stayed for one more year. Would I wonder?

Being on the back end of a year here, it doesn't seem too bad. Is it because the weather cooled off? I stopped visiting San Diego so often? I'm getting used to things at work and gaining confidence there with my training and public speaking? 

Still not a fan of flying. But it's getting better. 

Wondering. 

Massage perspective

Talked to my aunt Noni this evening. Me hinted the massage I had and how much pain I'm in from it. She said it was expected since having the Chicago trip and workshop in October. 

I say October like it was so long ago. Two weeks ago was the end of it. 

Ramping up with more travel soon. 

I took a nap today and started waking up to the beginnings of a panic attack. Flying. Client responsibility. Being out here all alone. Making grown up decisions. Money. Car. 

I don't rant to get too into t. I had to calm myself down. Do a recheck of my "systems status", similar to that panic attack when I was flying. Ignore everything and pretend it was all fine. 

High rise hermit

If I were to live in a skyscraper. High rise. Whatever, if you will. If I were to live in one of those and not want to mingle on the streets. If I could get sunshine and feel grass between my toes, would that be living? Would I be grounded? Or would I need to have touched the ground that touched the earth?

What I'm asking is... Could I be a high rise hermit if I did get sunshine but never touch the ground? On purpose?

Sick of being sad

I'm so sick of this. I'm so sad I feel physically ill. Nauseous. Just tried to go to the store and started crying in the car. Not the first time I've cried at the grocery store or target. But it got too out of hand on the way there I had to come home. 

This is so fucking depressing. I know it will pass. But it seems like the bad times are outweighing the good. Or at least the Not Miserable Times. 

There's a constant lump in my throat. I always think it will feel better if I let it out a little. But it never does. 

Chicago in two weeks. Conference in three weeks. Cousins visiting cousins this weekend. I hope I don't sound miserable while I'm with them. I also hope their cousins will be more welcoming to me. 

Am I a baby that I can't deal with not having people around?  It's not like I need it every day. Just once in a while. Once or twice a week. 

Low lows and then better

I felt so low today. And yesterday. Stressed about the upcoming work trip, reference book, and work shop. Stressed about not having the reference book completed, not focusing on it as much as I should have. I worked on it this weekend at coffee bean. It was nice to get out of the house for a while and not have the car an oven. 

Last week around this time I was feeling high. Hopeful. It was a change in the weather. It felt like fall. Not humid in the am, and breathable air. Refreshing. 

And then this weekend. So low I felt like  I would throw up. Cried Sunday. In the kitchen. In the shower. I woke up feeling like I cried in my sleep. 

Low again today. Low like crying at my desk low. Could have cried in meetings low.  Better later at work though. Worked through the reference book. Had a productive meeting, shot the shit. Taught. Worked on the reference book more. Talked to Melissa this evening. Cleaned the kitchen. Took a shower. 

Had to write this down bc I know things get better. But it never feels like that when I'm in it. 

Furiously happy came in the mail today and maybe that brought some hope, too. 

Up up perspective

Talked to Auntie Shu this morning. Almost an hour. We caught up on work, travel plans. Plans to move back. Weather here, people not as friendly as I hoped. Miss having friends around. She offered her place. Asked if I was looking for jobs in California. I said I was also looking in Northern California, Washington and Portland. I had friends there and knew the weather. Also was more welcoming than Arizona. She mentioned the weather in the pnw, but I always loved the rain. 

It was good catching up with her. I think of her often and all the adventures we had getting me moved out here. She's seeing her doctor soon bc she's experiencing shortness of breath. Mentioned that heart disease is not in our family, by my uncle and mom and grandmother and older sister had heart issues. I'm worried about her. But I'm always worried about people. 

Maybe I'll move to W town. Plenty of cousins to go around. 

LA suburb. Tucked in the corners and surrounded by family. 

Adventure. Perspective. Finding out what is important to me. What I need, what I can do without, and what I can't do without. 

Some things you don't know for sure until you go out and find out for yourself. 

We ended our conversation by saying we loved each other. She said she thinks of me all the time and it's just so comforting to know. 

Plans for thanksgiving at MJD's. 

Labor Day

Worst weekend ever. Paula came out. Left early. We could not get along. 

Her leaving so quickly and it being such a horrible visit feels like I'm sent back any progress of being used to living here. 

I feel sick to my stomach and back to needing to move back to California as soon as possible. 

Like, sell my furniture to move back to California. 

I know this too shall pass. Like it always does. 

But fuck it sucks. 

Happy birthday

Thank you for your text and beer wishes on my birthday. Your words were so kind and thoughtful and I can't think of anything to say to you but I miss you. 

I love the frothy beer glass and it's my favorite beer and you remembered after all these years and how many of these beers have we shared? Late nights and patios and conversations and holding. 

And I just got teary eyed imagining us on a green grassy lawn in cool shade. 

Or maybe we're walking under a tree lined sidewalk, the Columbia glittering next to us. You'd look at me and I'd grin back at you. You'd ask me "What?" in that way you have and I'd smile and tell you that it's so soothing to be in this moment with you, knowing we carry pieces of each other in us. 

But I wouldn't say all of that out loud. It's too much. So I would hold it inside, letting only, "it's just nice to see you after all this time," out, like steam from a covered pot. 

And that's what I wish for you on your birthday. Sweet moments with the ones you love, knowing they love you in return, sharing that intimate space with you. The intimacy of knowing someone's heart. 

The way you know mine and the way I know yours. 

Happy birthday. I love you. 

Maybe I'm reminding myself to cherish these moments with my friends. Or maybe I'm being super nostalgic. Or both. Or vulnerable. 

Maybe I'm saving this little corner of imagination for myself. Allowing me to imagine what cold have been. And what I want in the future. 

Gobble gobble toil and trouble

Feeling in the lows this week. Started eating healthier. Not eating emotionally. Or at least trying not to. 

Bought my ticket to San Diego for thanksgiving and I have mixed emotions about it. I'm bummed about spending the money because I feel like I should be saving it for moving back toncalifornia (or elsewhere), but the thought of staying in phx for the holiday is depressing. 

I don't know what my plans will be for Christmas and New Years. Again. The thought of spending the holidays alone makes me sad. But that's either a week off of work or two trips in a week. 

Pines and Dreams and Uncertainty

I had a dream that I had a second house in a green valley. High mountains surrounded the small town. Green grass. Tall trees. Little town. 

People were friendly. 

I was happy in my dream. Happy that I had found a place that was welcoming. Happy that I was surrounded by mountains and green hills. 

I had a crush on a guy I met at the bank. There was a carnival of some sorts. Ferris wheel with a pool that you were dropped into at the end. 

I felt renewed being there. Relieved. Comfortable. 

I've been uncomfortable lately. Regretting moving to this desert. What the hell was I thinking? I hate heat. Hate being hot. 

But the job the job the job. The experience. 

Where will I go next? Where will I find a job? Will I be able to move back toncalifornia? Will I want to with the utilities being so high? The cost of living? The drought? The earthquakes? The drought and economy. 

My soul needs hills and greens. Or maybe I need to change that idea. I don't want to. 

Washington? Colorado?

What am I doing with my life? 

No cry

Hey! I didn't cry this week!! Busy week. Started emailing with H. Been a long time. Since the end of October. Caught up. Similar situation with friends and new towns. Same jokes, quick catch up. Long emails. Pages and pages. She sent a card. I sent a card. Pen pals. 

Perspective. Managing expectations. Working in not being miserable. 

I don't like being miserable, so I'll do my best to work toward being happy. At peace. Goals. Not focusing so much on The Next Big Move. Small moves. Big results. 

Lucky

How lucky am I to be forced into all of this self examination. No distractions. I mean, plenty of distractions, but mostly self examination. Forced. Free time to fill and refocus. 

Amanda Palmer. I lost track of her blog and a friend's "like" on Facebook reminded me of her and I spent a while reading about her. So many feelings. Deep feelings and deep connections with her friends and people. Going to check out her book. I watched her TED talk. Very inspiring and true. 

Human connection. Vulnerability. Asking. 

Flying dream

Greg was flying a small plane with me. Lake Tahoe. Mountains in the background. Deep teal water below. Gorgeous water. Melissa and Paul were there. 

Ended up being a birthday party. Aunt Noni was there, Uncle John and Uncle Joe. I was crying in my sleep. Lovely dream. 

Someone showed up in my dream and she was wearing a blue shiny dress. It was shimmering like magic. Someone announced "Your fairy godmother is here." And I think that fairy godmother was my aunt Noni or auntie Shu. The one in the shimmering dress. 

And then I woke up. Before I woke up completely I was enjoying being around all of my family. I wanted to remember everyone who was there. 

The dream has the feeling of those dreams after mom and dad died. Very intense emotions. 

Enjoying

I really had a great time in town last weekend  

More than that I felt like I was there longer than a day and a half. 

Therapist says to enjoy the moment rather than already being sad about it being gone before its happened.  

Totally effing worked. 

Might be because I'm back in town next week. Whatever. 

This is what happened and I appreciated it and enjoyed it. 

Best weekend. Chill. No plans.  Naps! Every day!

Mom. Again.

Email from an hr department asking me to confirm a phone interview. I confirmed it with my gmail account. 

But when I opened the calendar, it defaulted to yours.  A nudge from you? A reminder that you're looking out for me? 

A reminder that there's a bigger plan out there. And you hold a few strings. 

I love you, ma. Mom. Mama. 

Dr. Katt

Inspired. Introspective. Internal. Reflective. Guarded. Protective. Perspective. 

Dig in. Basically. Is what I'm getting. You're here. Dig the fuck in. Make the best of your time here so you're not regretting anything. 

You're here. Take advantage. Go to school. Push yourself. You don't have any other distractions. And you need to push yourself in order to thrive in a new place. 

By expanding your human interaction, you're growing. 

By exploring what your passions are, you're learning. 

He said I was a creative. And I am. 

Ha.  And he dropped the f bomb. 

I have choices. And I choose. 

Now to dig in. And grow. 

Testing

In my lowest moments I'm buoyed by the love I feel from others. I know that the pain of missing them is reciprocated. 

And how lucky am I to love people so much that it hurts to be away from them. How fiercely loved am I that they miss me as much. 

I never questioned their love. I never questioned mine. It never came into account until I left and realized how strong these pulls were. 

And how lucky am I to have been able to stretch these binds. To test them without meaning to. 

Some would never know how strong those bonds are. To test their own blindsided knowing that they had this love for them. 

An example to others

I never thought. I never considered it wanted to be an example of someone who is strong. Someone said recently that I was strong. They're proud of me because I'm strong.

I don't want to be strong. I want to be a whiny baby and go home to San Diego. 

But then I get to the other side of a challenge at work. Or I have a great weekend afternoon with a friend. And I realize that this is a fucking adventure and I'm doing it alone and okay fine I catch myself being independent and strong. 

I have my supporters. And they all miss me. And it's hard being away from each other. 

But I'm having a hard time focusing on all the good things that have happened since my and because of my move. 

Leaps and bounds. 

I was only coming here for a job. Yeah I figured I'd learn things about myself. But I'm only five hours away from home. How much different could it be?

Leaps and bounds. 

It's hard to see it all in the darkness. Because you know it's there. But it's gone at that point. You know it's close. And you'll see it when the lights come on. But until then it's dark and everything else isn't there. You can't feel it or sense it or smell it. 

And then a text comes through. I saw a butterfly and thought of you because you hate them! Or a post about missing your far. Or a text about going on a tour of a famou architect's digs.  

Perspective, mother fucker. 

Opposite of wanderlust

So I'm on an adventure. New state. City. Al that. If I'm missing home so intensely, does that make me a small minded simpleton? Or does that make me someone who is rooted in family and familiar things. 

Say at the end of a year here I realize I never want to leave Southern California, does that make me small minded? Or someone who has explored a small area outside her comfort zone and didn't like it. 

But it would also make me someone who knew for sure instead of wondering. 

Yes. I saw what was out there. And I prefer what's in here instead. 

What's the opposite of wanderlust? Wandernotlust. Wander opposed. Stayhomelust. Settledownlust. 

Find  a city. Find your people. Settle down. That lust. 

time to come home

6/1/15. Monday. i feel like today i might cry. i miss home so much.  this is ridiculous.  whose idea was this and why the fuck am i here?  the daily pep talks aren't working.  it's a constant battle with myself.

everything makes me miss san diego.  i'm unsettled here.  uncomfortable.  all this shit about things happening outside your comfort zone, i get it.  but i'm done.  i don't need it, this constant Not Fitting.

the people here are assholes.  or i'm unlikeable. okay, that's not true.  but everyone gave me contact info for people in arizona and nothing.  crickets.  family of family hasn't texted to check in on me or invite me to dinner, etc.  thta baby shower was a joke. talk about uncomfortable.

what the shit.  i hate arizona.  this job is hard.  which i think i might be able to deal with if i had my support system of people.

i haven't found a doctor, a hair person, a dentist, a therapist.  i hate everything and it's all stupid.

Gaman

Great day today. Visa priority report session yesterday. Session one yesterday. Onsite in town today. Demo for a client, for one of their potential clients. Big client. I think it went well. 

I think it helped that it was just me making these decisions. I didn't have a chance to second guess myself. I worked. I reviewed. I planned. I excexrutrd the plan. I helped. I strategized. I gave knowledge. 

I felt powerful. And I realized I could do this. In California. And make a pretty good living. 

I might enjoy this work. 

I have plans with people this weekend. Flight home next weekend. Another flight in June and another one in July. Long weekend in July. 

Days/weeks like this make me think I can do it. And I made the right decision. 

desert rain

Work has been better this week. I think the fact that a negative person left the office is 90% of the reason people aren't taking things so seriously. More joking. More conversation and input. More collaboration. Actual. Laughter. Amazing how an insecure manager can make things so hard for people. 

Definitely noticed a huge impact on my perspective and attitude toward moving here. It's hard to stay positive when the reason you moved to another state isn't what you expected at all. 

 the very first thing I loved about Arizona was the way it smelled when it rained. It's raining now, and cold, which makes me so happy. Gonna be some good sleep tonight. 

https://arizonadailyindependent.com/2014/03/16/the-creosote-bush-a-desert-survivor/

notes on an adventure

march 11, 2015

oooo, this is tough.  all of my humans are hours away, miles away.  a state away.

my heart ached for everyone.  just to be close to them.

hurt, pain, tears, lonliness

change your perspective.

a stupid movie.  (well, not stupid).  gross pointe blank.  high school reuinion.  how many times had i felt silly for never leaving san diego?  

and now? i live in arizona.  i work in arizona.  i live alone, i moved to a different state, independently.  all alone.  by myself. 

like a fucking grown up.

march 30, 2015

still tough.  working on blocking the negative thoughts.  stopping them before they fully bloom.  here's a milestone for you, i didn't cry last week.

a woman, a blogger, a quilter, a creative is on a similar journey.  i love her sense of adventure.  she planned this for months, this cross country move.  she finds inspiration in the desert, it nourishes her soul.

there is so much beauty here.  so many trees, so many blossoms.  the air smells so crisp and fresh. i'm constantly surprised.

i'm working on my perspective.  this was definitely the right move for me.  

i went back through my email drafts and skimmed through one that mentioned how flat phoenix is and how horribly i missed san diego.  i think since visiting san diego after moving here gave me more perspective.  don't tell anyone, but i think it smells better here.  maybe it's less smog?  i romanticized it.  it's still the same, and it's only a quick flight away.

i spoke to both of my aunts last week.  my touchstones.

i almost finished a quilt top this weekend.

looking forward to easter with family.

thinking about writing all of this down, but like when i was going through it, i didn't want to write it.  i didn't want to focus on my fears and insecurities.  i always think, while in the middle of a life challenge "i should write about this, i should write this all down." but  my focus is always the other side of it.  and if i stay in the middle of the experience, it will be harder to keep going, to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  

if that makes any sense.  it makes sense to me, so i'll keep it.

i'm so far out of my comfort zone.  as cheesey as it is, this move would have been much harder without the umbilical cord of facebook.  

i hate flying, i get air sick, and i'm terrified of public speaking.  hey, let's accept a job that does all three!  almost daily!

adventure.  outside my comfort zone.  challenge and growth, most definitely.

may 4, 2015

i don't know why i didn't write anything in april.  i really need to work on that.  

traveling is tough.  it's good in that it makes me busy.  it's a different setting, so i don't have associated feelings, etc.  but getting on the plane to head "home" makes me miss home even more.  other travelers ask if i'm from phoenix, if that's home.  i say i'm originally from socal, and they inevitability every single time without fail, ask me "what are you doing in phoenix?!"

and just like that, poof, punch to the gut and i have to work myself up again.

soon it will be four months since i've left home.  how dramatic!  i feel like i'm scratching notches on the walls counting the days that i've been here.  

all of a sudden i'm in sort of a panic.  panic might be too strong of a word.  two months, three months, they sound like small potatotes.  four months?  that seems like i should have doen more in that time.  like it's permanent.  i need to save money instead of using retail (target) therapy to (temporarily) soothe my soul.  i need to enroll in school, to make my time here worthwhile.  so i can go back home with tools, with experience, with knowledge gained through fire!  ha. that was dramatic.  

i want to reach out to her, the friend i pushed away, because she might be going through something similar.  but then i'm reminded of all the time that we've spent apart, how much i've changed.  grown.  she was my crutch, my security blanket.  i went to her for everything.  all of my crazy thoughts, ruminations, i knew she would understand.  we both understood, maybe too much.  

texts flying back and forth, furiously, almost manic.

now, without that person to genuinely understand what it's like in my head, i'm forced to deal with them myself.  i've been forced to recognize when i'm ruminating or spiraling, and snap myself out of it instead of wallowing in it.  i don't have the luxury of wallowing anymore.  my inner voice is the bitch i need to snap me out of it, to focus on something else.  

seriously, she's a new voice i've never heard before.  she shocks me, not just telling me to shut up, but reminding me, getting me back on track.  "so you fucked up.  fix it and move forward!"

snap.

i'm going to try and write more here, to document this adventure.  so many life lessons here, it would be a shame to ignore them, to also take advantage of those lessons, of this time here.