Guts

I read articles by authors who are laying out their guts for everyone to see and judge. More than their guts, they lay out their hearts. Sliced and pressed under microscopes, all the more easy to taste and discard them. 

<holds up to light. turns in hand. deems it a felt emotion, an experienced adventure; catalogues and reaches for the next>

And what am I doing? Hiding behind a desk and a title. Eager to make large moves and reflect, but not to dissect them for others' eyes. 

For my eyes. My reflection. 

Too afraid to revisit those lonely roads and flights and cities; to run my hands around my perfect nest. 

Where was I? 

Diving. Unwrapping. Revisiting. 

Digging and bearing witness. 

Making promises and casting my future. 

Do not make it all for naught. 

Weekend home

San Diego prices she's home because of this weekend. Babysat a three year old. And didn't murder anyone. Had lunch with the family of another fm three year old. Didn't even see my sister for an entire week but that's totally fine bc maybe I'll see her next week or this week. 

Planned on a luau this evening and almost didn't go. But Past Yo moved home so weekends like this could happen. She wished and hoped and missed weekends like this. 

Days like these

Days like this are the reason why I moved back to SD. Babysat a friend's kid, hung out with other friends who have a kid the same age, met friends at a luau, bumped into other friends at said luau. I almost didn't go tonight. But I thought to myself, these are the days Phoenix Yo wished for.  

What are you afraid of?

My most loved people thinking something terrible about me but never telling me. Pretending to my face that they accept me when they don't. 

I hear you in my voice

Mom. When I him to songs you love, Rod Stewart, Harry Connick. Classical music. When I whistle. It's like you're here with me. 

I didn't realize how much until I searched for Rod Stewart songs right now. 

The Way You Look Tonight. 

 I love you and I miss you and I love you. 

Fwd: A new perspective

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From:

​emily july

Date: Sun, Jan 10, 2016 at 7:46 PM
Subject: A new perspective
To:

​emily july

What if we all (me) stopped subscribing to the shit about moving on and changing your life. What if I learned to accept where I am and what I'm doing right now in this place. Instead of thinking believing I'm not happy, learn to be happy where I am. I have a great life. I travel. I'm challenged daily. 

Accept 

Grow

Root

A flower grows when it plants its roots. Or something. I don't know. 

I just want to go home

Well that last post didn't last very long. Maybe bc I've been sick for a week. Wow. A week. I was in San Diego a week ago. 

I miss home. I'm back to wanting to sell everything and just go home. Forget about having a job. Just go home. 

What the hell is it. This is the worst and I hate it. 

Per fucking spective

I watched a movie called what if. And it was the most perfect movie about your early 20s that I've ever seen. So optimistic and fucking full of promise. 

The characters are too smart for their own good. The fall in love. Have these huge brains and get flung across the globe. While trying to figure out their hearts. 

This movie made me want to have kids. If my kids could evolve to have these perfect heartbreaks with such witty and caring asshole friends, I would do it in a second. 

Also made me realize that I'm not in Tokyo. Or Dublin. I'm in Arizona. 

And these kids are swimming in the ocean and bearing their souls. 

And what am I doing?

Hiding. 

And doing my job. 

Well. 

On both counts. 

So what if I fuck it. 

Fuck. It. 

And fucking jump. 

Out of that plane. 

Out of the apartment. 

Plant my feet. 

Jump. 

Leap. 

Climb. 

Roll. 

Dive and fucking swing. 

And fucking swing. 

Because if I'm reliving my 20s, then I already have some years on me. What would you do if you could go back and do it all over again?

Of course. 

(of course)

These last few days. Week. After being home for Christmas were hard. Some of the hardest. What am I doing here. Disappointed. The whole nine. 

Did I just snap out of it?

And how log will it last?

Jump. 

Look how far you've flown. 

Fly. 

Flew. 

Go.