Sick of being sad

I'm so sick of this. I'm so sad I feel physically ill. Nauseous. Just tried to go to the store and started crying in the car. Not the first time I've cried at the grocery store or target. But it got too out of hand on the way there I had to come home. 

This is so fucking depressing. I know it will pass. But it seems like the bad times are outweighing the good. Or at least the Not Miserable Times. 

There's a constant lump in my throat. I always think it will feel better if I let it out a little. But it never does. 

Chicago in two weeks. Conference in three weeks. Cousins visiting cousins this weekend. I hope I don't sound miserable while I'm with them. I also hope their cousins will be more welcoming to me. 

Am I a baby that I can't deal with not having people around?  It's not like I need it every day. Just once in a while. Once or twice a week. 

Low lows and then better

I felt so low today. And yesterday. Stressed about the upcoming work trip, reference book, and work shop. Stressed about not having the reference book completed, not focusing on it as much as I should have. I worked on it this weekend at coffee bean. It was nice to get out of the house for a while and not have the car an oven. 

Last week around this time I was feeling high. Hopeful. It was a change in the weather. It felt like fall. Not humid in the am, and breathable air. Refreshing. 

And then this weekend. So low I felt like  I would throw up. Cried Sunday. In the kitchen. In the shower. I woke up feeling like I cried in my sleep. 

Low again today. Low like crying at my desk low. Could have cried in meetings low.  Better later at work though. Worked through the reference book. Had a productive meeting, shot the shit. Taught. Worked on the reference book more. Talked to Melissa this evening. Cleaned the kitchen. Took a shower. 

Had to write this down bc I know things get better. But it never feels like that when I'm in it. 

Furiously happy came in the mail today and maybe that brought some hope, too. 

Up up perspective

Talked to Auntie Shu this morning. Almost an hour. We caught up on work, travel plans. Plans to move back. Weather here, people not as friendly as I hoped. Miss having friends around. She offered her place. Asked if I was looking for jobs in California. I said I was also looking in Northern California, Washington and Portland. I had friends there and knew the weather. Also was more welcoming than Arizona. She mentioned the weather in the pnw, but I always loved the rain. 

It was good catching up with her. I think of her often and all the adventures we had getting me moved out here. She's seeing her doctor soon bc she's experiencing shortness of breath. Mentioned that heart disease is not in our family, by my uncle and mom and grandmother and older sister had heart issues. I'm worried about her. But I'm always worried about people. 

Maybe I'll move to W town. Plenty of cousins to go around. 

LA suburb. Tucked in the corners and surrounded by family. 

Adventure. Perspective. Finding out what is important to me. What I need, what I can do without, and what I can't do without. 

Some things you don't know for sure until you go out and find out for yourself. 

We ended our conversation by saying we loved each other. She said she thinks of me all the time and it's just so comforting to know. 

Plans for thanksgiving at MJD's. 

Labor Day

Worst weekend ever. Paula came out. Left early. We could not get along. 

Her leaving so quickly and it being such a horrible visit feels like I'm sent back any progress of being used to living here. 

I feel sick to my stomach and back to needing to move back to California as soon as possible. 

Like, sell my furniture to move back to California. 

I know this too shall pass. Like it always does. 

But fuck it sucks.