Mom. Again.

Email from an hr department asking me to confirm a phone interview. I confirmed it with my gmail account. 

But when I opened the calendar, it defaulted to yours.  A nudge from you? A reminder that you're looking out for me? 

A reminder that there's a bigger plan out there. And you hold a few strings. 

I love you, ma. Mom. Mama. 

Dr. Katt

Inspired. Introspective. Internal. Reflective. Guarded. Protective. Perspective. 

Dig in. Basically. Is what I'm getting. You're here. Dig the fuck in. Make the best of your time here so you're not regretting anything. 

You're here. Take advantage. Go to school. Push yourself. You don't have any other distractions. And you need to push yourself in order to thrive in a new place. 

By expanding your human interaction, you're growing. 

By exploring what your passions are, you're learning. 

He said I was a creative. And I am. 

Ha.  And he dropped the f bomb. 

I have choices. And I choose. 

Now to dig in. And grow. 

Testing

In my lowest moments I'm buoyed by the love I feel from others. I know that the pain of missing them is reciprocated. 

And how lucky am I to love people so much that it hurts to be away from them. How fiercely loved am I that they miss me as much. 

I never questioned their love. I never questioned mine. It never came into account until I left and realized how strong these pulls were. 

And how lucky am I to have been able to stretch these binds. To test them without meaning to. 

Some would never know how strong those bonds are. To test their own blindsided knowing that they had this love for them. 

An example to others

I never thought. I never considered it wanted to be an example of someone who is strong. Someone said recently that I was strong. They're proud of me because I'm strong.

I don't want to be strong. I want to be a whiny baby and go home to San Diego. 

But then I get to the other side of a challenge at work. Or I have a great weekend afternoon with a friend. And I realize that this is a fucking adventure and I'm doing it alone and okay fine I catch myself being independent and strong. 

I have my supporters. And they all miss me. And it's hard being away from each other. 

But I'm having a hard time focusing on all the good things that have happened since my and because of my move. 

Leaps and bounds. 

I was only coming here for a job. Yeah I figured I'd learn things about myself. But I'm only five hours away from home. How much different could it be?

Leaps and bounds. 

It's hard to see it all in the darkness. Because you know it's there. But it's gone at that point. You know it's close. And you'll see it when the lights come on. But until then it's dark and everything else isn't there. You can't feel it or sense it or smell it. 

And then a text comes through. I saw a butterfly and thought of you because you hate them! Or a post about missing your far. Or a text about going on a tour of a famou architect's digs.  

Perspective, mother fucker. 

Opposite of wanderlust

So I'm on an adventure. New state. City. Al that. If I'm missing home so intensely, does that make me a small minded simpleton? Or does that make me someone who is rooted in family and familiar things. 

Say at the end of a year here I realize I never want to leave Southern California, does that make me small minded? Or someone who has explored a small area outside her comfort zone and didn't like it. 

But it would also make me someone who knew for sure instead of wondering. 

Yes. I saw what was out there. And I prefer what's in here instead. 

What's the opposite of wanderlust? Wandernotlust. Wander opposed. Stayhomelust. Settledownlust. 

Find  a city. Find your people. Settle down. That lust. 

time to come home

6/1/15. Monday. i feel like today i might cry. i miss home so much.  this is ridiculous.  whose idea was this and why the fuck am i here?  the daily pep talks aren't working.  it's a constant battle with myself.

everything makes me miss san diego.  i'm unsettled here.  uncomfortable.  all this shit about things happening outside your comfort zone, i get it.  but i'm done.  i don't need it, this constant Not Fitting.

the people here are assholes.  or i'm unlikeable. okay, that's not true.  but everyone gave me contact info for people in arizona and nothing.  crickets.  family of family hasn't texted to check in on me or invite me to dinner, etc.  thta baby shower was a joke. talk about uncomfortable.

what the shit.  i hate arizona.  this job is hard.  which i think i might be able to deal with if i had my support system of people.

i haven't found a doctor, a hair person, a dentist, a therapist.  i hate everything and it's all stupid.