Happy birthday

Thank you for your text and beer wishes on my birthday. Your words were so kind and thoughtful and I can't think of anything to say to you but I miss you. 

I love the frothy beer glass and it's my favorite beer and you remembered after all these years and how many of these beers have we shared? Late nights and patios and conversations and holding. 

And I just got teary eyed imagining us on a green grassy lawn in cool shade. 

Or maybe we're walking under a tree lined sidewalk, the Columbia glittering next to us. You'd look at me and I'd grin back at you. You'd ask me "What?" in that way you have and I'd smile and tell you that it's so soothing to be in this moment with you, knowing we carry pieces of each other in us. 

But I wouldn't say all of that out loud. It's too much. So I would hold it inside, letting only, "it's just nice to see you after all this time," out, like steam from a covered pot. 

And that's what I wish for you on your birthday. Sweet moments with the ones you love, knowing they love you in return, sharing that intimate space with you. The intimacy of knowing someone's heart. 

The way you know mine and the way I know yours. 

Happy birthday. I love you. 

Maybe I'm reminding myself to cherish these moments with my friends. Or maybe I'm being super nostalgic. Or both. Or vulnerable. 

Maybe I'm saving this little corner of imagination for myself. Allowing me to imagine what cold have been. And what I want in the future. 

Gobble gobble toil and trouble

Feeling in the lows this week. Started eating healthier. Not eating emotionally. Or at least trying not to. 

Bought my ticket to San Diego for thanksgiving and I have mixed emotions about it. I'm bummed about spending the money because I feel like I should be saving it for moving back toncalifornia (or elsewhere), but the thought of staying in phx for the holiday is depressing. 

I don't know what my plans will be for Christmas and New Years. Again. The thought of spending the holidays alone makes me sad. But that's either a week off of work or two trips in a week. 

Pines and Dreams and Uncertainty

I had a dream that I had a second house in a green valley. High mountains surrounded the small town. Green grass. Tall trees. Little town. 

People were friendly. 

I was happy in my dream. Happy that I had found a place that was welcoming. Happy that I was surrounded by mountains and green hills. 

I had a crush on a guy I met at the bank. There was a carnival of some sorts. Ferris wheel with a pool that you were dropped into at the end. 

I felt renewed being there. Relieved. Comfortable. 

I've been uncomfortable lately. Regretting moving to this desert. What the hell was I thinking? I hate heat. Hate being hot. 

But the job the job the job. The experience. 

Where will I go next? Where will I find a job? Will I be able to move back toncalifornia? Will I want to with the utilities being so high? The cost of living? The drought? The earthquakes? The drought and economy. 

My soul needs hills and greens. Or maybe I need to change that idea. I don't want to. 

Washington? Colorado?

What am I doing with my life? 

No cry

Hey! I didn't cry this week!! Busy week. Started emailing with H. Been a long time. Since the end of October. Caught up. Similar situation with friends and new towns. Same jokes, quick catch up. Long emails. Pages and pages. She sent a card. I sent a card. Pen pals. 

Perspective. Managing expectations. Working in not being miserable. 

I don't like being miserable, so I'll do my best to work toward being happy. At peace. Goals. Not focusing so much on The Next Big Move. Small moves. Big results.