saudade

the way you watched out for me, drove like an asshole, knew my drink, laughed, grabbed my hand to run to the car.  the way you looked at me when i was telling a story.  the way you pulled me to you and kissed me, perfectly.  fiercely.  sweetly.

took my breath away.

you crunched numbers while i sorted through piles.  i made you laugh and i liked your hands.

i don't remember how it started.  it just always was.

it was a surprise. i wasn't looking.  and there you were.  gentle and strong every time.  like we always knew each other.

that night you looked at me in the dark, your face lit by the moon.  you watched me, my hand on the side of your face, fingers woven in your hair, my other hand splayed across your back.  

both of us stretched and wrapped and tangled around each other. 

i watched you, your weight on me, in me.  my head rested on your forearm.  you stopped and looked at me, your face serious and inches from mine.  your hand moved to my face.  you whispered "i hate you."  i immediately smiled as i kissed you back, my heart full.  i moved both hands to your face and felt you smiling.  i laughed into your kiss.  i looked back at you.  "i hate you, too," i murmured, knowing the opposite was true.

i mean, i really hate you.
i know.  i really hate you, too.

we looked at each other, smiling. laughed.

i hate you, like, a lot.

[i love you]
[i love you]

we signed emails that way.

hate you.
hate you back. 

we whispered to each other in the dark, legs tangled, arms wrapped around each other, when we were sure the other was asleep.

always tangled. 

you whispered it into the back of my neck, big spoon wrapped around little spoon.

i whispered it into your chest, our bodies facing each other, spent, your arms wrapped around me.

i love you. 

i heard you, and i know you heard me.