messy

i made a mess.  i reached into my guts, into my chest, and i pulled them out.  those memories long tucked away.

they puddle in my cupped hands.  they float and dip, like ice cubes in a punch bowl, like the moon in a cloudy sky.  they're on me, in my hair, on my face, they run down my arms, they're on my couch, in my car, they're in my bed, on my pillows.  

they're scattered across this city.

they're spilled in notebooks on the floor in my closet.

i hadn't allowed myself to delve so deeply into them for so long, to hold each memory in my hand and let the sunlight flow through.  

i forgot how sweet and horrible it was.

i can't help reading it.  i tinkered with the words, even after i hit publish.  i remember everything.  quoting movies, talking in an empty parking lot until 3am, falling asleep on the couch, all those whispers in the dark.  coffee. dinners. so many laughs.  you carried a watermelon.

climbing in and out of that canyon in the middle of the night.

rainy nights wrapped under blankets.

it hurts, it aches.

i miss you.
i hate you.

and i'm SO annoyed this blog is about you so far.